You Don't Know Jack

Speaking of jack shit, do you know the story behind that?

After months of research into the fascinating genealogy of the family Schitt, I discovered that Jack Schitt is the only son of the well known businessman Awe Schitt.  Awe Schitt was a fertilizer magnate who was in cahoots with an Indian fellow named Akram Needeep.  Their company Needeep & Schitt grew to be very successful and as a result of his years of blood, sweat and tears Awe Schitt was more than able to afford a grand wedding for his pretty bride O. Nelly, who of course was from that day forward known as O. Schitt.  Nine months and 15 minutes later they had one son... and that was Jack.

Sixteen years passed by quickly and it wasn't long before young Jack Schitt married a distant cousin, Noe Schitt.  Perhaps he shouldn't have done that but hey... it was a small town and there weren't really a lot of people to pick from.  Most of the folks in those parts were real turds, difficult people to get along with.  The rest were just the Schitts.  Nonetheless, the two became deeply religious and as the years passed, they provided the world with six lovely god fearing children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Phulla Schitt, a pair of twins they named Deep Schitt (in respect for their father's business partner) and Dip Schitt.  And their last child was a huge baby who they named Bull.

As is nature's way, with the passage of time come changes.  Eventually Deep Schitt, against her parents wishes, married Dumb Schitt who just couldn't seem to advance beyond 8th grade.  Years later Dumb Schitt was often heard speaking fondly of his school years, declaring that "7th grade was my favorite...  I spent the three best years of my there."

A real shocker to the entire community happened though, when after 15 years of marriage, Noe Schitt divorced Jack when she met and fell in love with a handsome detective name Ted Sherlock. Because her children from the previous marriage would be living with the new couple, Noe, with Ted's blessings, decided to also keep her previous name.  And of course from that day forward she became the ever popular Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married a rather humorless woman, Loda Crapp who was, for the most part, ostracised by the locals... for she never smiled and she never joked around.  She was just one serious Loda Schitt.  Their only child was a little boy with a nervous disposition who they lovingly named Chicken.  And a good choice of names it was, for there was only one other Chicken Schitt in the entire county.  Two of the other six children, Phulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable as youngsters. As you could imagine, the girls were overjoyed when they met and fell in love with the twin Hapens brothers.  The wedding announcement in the newspaper took the headlines, gleefully announcing the Schitt-Hapens nuptials.  And the whole town was invited.

In order to ensure that all the wedding guests had a grand time, the wealthy Schitts provided everyone who attended the wedding with a slingshot.  That was for the festivities which included the shooting contests featuring very generous prizes.  Needless to say, the entire town was fully engrossed in one giant Schitt slinging contest all weekend long.  On a side note, Giva Schitt and her husband Mark Hapens were also animal lovers.  And in honor of the animal kingdom, they named their three eventual children Dawg, Byrd and Hoss. As luck would have it, it was Dawg Schitt Hapens who won the Schitt slinging trophy.

Anyway, eventually Bull Schitt, the youngest son of Jack Schitt and Noe Schitt, left home to tour the world.  His European adventures eventually landed him in Germany where he met another long lost cousin, Gautta.  Gautta Schitt.  After three adventurous years touring Europe, Bull eventually returned home with his new, but surprisingly homely Italian bride, Pisa.  Everyone was rather dismayed at the Bull Schitt choice of brides since Italian women are generally speaking quite lovely.  Sadly, Pisa quickly became a bit of a local celebrity for all the wrong reasons, for she was the only true Pisa Schitt in the entire country.

Homely as she was though, this Pisa Schitt had a lively personality and was one serious social butterfly.  Within one short year she'd met almost every  single person in the entire county  One day at a Sunday after-church gathering, mayor Phuken Schitt stood before the happy throng and announced that the ever-popular Piza must already know darned near everyone in the entire country.  When he asked Piza how she got along with her now reclusive father-in-law Jack, with a bit of embarrassment she admitted that Jack was one of the few people she had not yet met.

With a surprised look on his face, the mayor cast his gaze over the landscape... and announced to the adoring crowd, "Well there you have it folks, in a single year our own favourite Piza Schitt has met durned near everbody in the entire county".  And as he turned toward her he declared, just a bit sarcastically, "But you still don't know Jack Schitt."

And the rest as they say, is history.

2 comments:

  1. http://www.examiner.com/article/libor-scandal-grows-as-the-fathers-of-two-mass-murderers-were-to-testify

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  2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuRwis3_iVk

    ReplyDelete